Jake's Writings

When To Say Weezer Lyrics

7/20/2020

“I look just like Buddy Holly”
Say this at the end of a job interview when they say, “Anything else?”

“I’m me. Me be. God damn. I am”
Pull this one out in any philosophy class.

“I guess you’re as real as me. Maybe I can’t live with that. Maybe I need fantasy.”
Say this when your partner wants to move in with you, and you want to break up.

“If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away.”
When someone questions your outfit.

“I took you to Best Buy.”
An aside to your kids when you start trying to get them to remember the good times you had as a family as CPS pulls up.

“I will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams”
Say this to the world if you’re a middle school dropout.

“I’m falling in love. What was your name?”
When you’re a terrible barista at Starbucks, and a customer is trying to pay, but you’re still daydreaming.

“You take your car to work, I'll take my board. And when you're out of fuel, I'm still afloat."
If you’re a surfer trying to impress a businessman.

“This bottle of Stevens awakens ancient feelings”
I hope you never have to say that one.

“Excuse the bitching, I shouldn't complain”
When you’re about to start complaining.

“On an island in the sun”
When somebody angrily asks you, “Where’s my money?”

“I'm a troublemaker, never been a faker, doing things my own way”
When you get arrested

“I got my hash pipe”
When you’re running out the door and your mom asks, “have everything you need?”

Newly Discovered Facts about the Cold War

7/4/2020

After the failure at the Bay of Pigs, President Kennedy reportedly wrote in his diary, “You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.”
“Containment” was originally the term used to stop the spread of bigots in the White House.
When deciding the name for what is now known as NATO, President Truman proposed the name “Truman’s Titties,” but took back his suggestion after nobody laughed. Truman’s wife later described him as “childish” and “immature.”
A man named Tom Jones was a triple agent working for the CIA, KGB, and MI6. He died of exhaustion, forgetting where his alliances lay.
In February 1964, Mao Zedong wrote Nikita Khrushchev a moving love letter, but never heard back.
Khrushchev’s first wife used to call him “Little Niki.” He later admitted she was “too dominant for me to handle. I prefer a submissive woman.”
The Warsaw Pact was originally just a couple of dudes and a pinky promise.
In October 1963, there was a loud, tense conversation between John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson discussing “the Reds.” Eventually, laughter broke the tension once they realized Kennedy was talking about communists, while Johnson was talking about the Cincinnati Reds. It did not help the confusion that there was an outspoken communist named “Peter Rose.”
Lightly-used T-34 tanks were inadvertently donated to a non-profit preschool in Cuba.
In October 1957, the Soviets launched Sputnik 1, the first Earth satellite. This inaugurated the “space race,” which scared astronaut Frank Borman who thought he would be required to “run in space.”
President Truman reportedly called Hitler “a waste of space” behind his back.
When building the Berlin Wall, an East German construction worker was fired for remarking, “This is really going to make it difficult for me to get a haircut in West Berlin.”

Hitler’s Grocery List (c. 1930)

1/5/2020

Bananas
Eggs
Orange Juice – NO PULP
Cottage cheese

observations and thoughts (+things about me)

10/17/2019

Men keep telling me “I hate men”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you are severely allergic to apples
A metaphor is like a simile
I’ve never seen Home Alone or The Titanic, and I hope I never do
Next time someone complains about the temperature indoors, tell them it’s just room temperature
Less is mor
My dog is pretty funny, but he doesn’t talk. He’s kinda like Charlie Chaplin
Sometimes it feels wrong when I belt out Nina Simone lyrics
They won’t let me cash a check at Jos. A Bank
Some people sing along to songs, but I like to talk along to audio-books.
I was out cat calling all morning, but I still can’t find my cat
I like to play games in bed. Chess is my favorite
Some days I need a hug; every day I want a hug

Define Laziness

5/12/2019

Okay.

Fortune Cookie Rough Drafts

4/14/2019

Life is full of twists. Stay flexible. Take a yoga class.

There’s no receipt for your time. But if you get one, ask for the itemized receipt.

You always have more to gain when taking risks. But if a friend dares you to jump off a bridge, you probably have more to lose.

Stop eating cookies, fat ass.

Today, you will find love in an unexpected place. Tomorrow, you will get caught cheating.

Life is about balance. Try surfing.

Generosity is contagious. So is strep throat and AIDS.

Yesterday is two days before tomorrow.

Don’t say anything to that girl. She doesn’t like you like that.

Love can last a lifetime. Energy lasts forever. If you’re in a relationship, take Adderall. If you’re single, rest up.

Please, recycle me.

Retro Christmas Lists (recently discovered)

12/23/2018

Anne Frank

Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year, there are a few things I would like:

A Christmas sweater - I was thinking something fun to spruce up the dull atmosphere around here. Maybe something silly with snowmen on it. Maybe something colorful with Christmas trees and reindeer.
Matches - It's kinda dark in here
BIC ball point pen - I like the blue ones, but the black would be fine.
Connect Four - it's a high level thinking board game. It's both educational and fun.
A new journal - I'm running out of pages and I have a hunch people will want to read this one day.

Lance Armstrong

A new bike
A new bracelet -Livestrong Foundation took all of mine away
Steroids - the good kind
My left testicle

Charlie Brown

no coal please
some friends would be nice

Jerry Seinfeld

coffee
cars
more jokes
new television show

Ariana Grande
dear santa, i changed my mind about pete. so i could just use some advice this year

OJ Simpson

get out of jail free card
gloves
A cloth
I'd really like to get my Heisman trophy back
A white Ford Bronco SUV

Resume - M. Gandhi

11/18/2018

Re: Google Software Engineer Internship

  Mahatma Gandhi
1104 Main Street, Porbandar, India 360545 | 562-821-1921 | ghandhi.is.cool@yahoo.com
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EDUCATION
University College London, London, UK                                                                                 1888
Bachelor of Arts, Economics
Double minor: Creative Writing and Fasting
Cumulative GPA: 2.931

Inner Temple, London, UK 1889

LEADERSHIP

Pretty famous
Leader of the Indian National Congress
Led a landmark march to the sea to collect salt in symbolic defiance of the government monopoly (1930)
Captain of Middle School kickball team
Initiated the Indian Independence Movement

AWARDS

Time Magazine man of the year (1930)
Runner up for Person of the Century (Lost to Albert frickin Einstein)
Nominated for the Middle School kickball sportsmanship award
Nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize 5 times (Got robbed every time)
Second runner up in a Julius Caesar toga contest
Received most improved basket weaver (fifth grade)

WORK EXPERIENCE
Bagels and Brownies Employee 1888

Provided quality customer service through interactions with customers in person and over the phone

Rashtrapati Bhavan Museum 1889

Assisted as an elevator attendant

COMMUNITY SERVICE

Helped India pretty immensely (unpaid)
After arrested, founded a prison-wide book club for 19th century science fiction novels

Additional Skills:

Juggling, singing, able to fast for long periods of time,
Good stamina, talented chess player, familiar with Microsoft Office

Therapist Notes – Jesus C.

10/14/2018

In close contact with both parents
No siblings
Mother is loving and caring
Mom got mad at him for running away as a child - so that he could go to the temple?
Mother is young/Married to Joseph (Step dad)
Joseph is a virgin
No, Mary is a virgin
His dad gave(?) him to Mary – clearly adopted
Sketchy dad
His dad is not here, but he says his dad is everywhere (denial?)
This guy has definitely never seen his dad
He’s definitely adopted
Worries about death…really thinking about his death…likes to talk about death
Healthy young man, people tell him to gain some weight (give him Carl’s chili recipe?)
Continues to worry because he knows he's gonna die…. ok ok
He's okay with this … (death wish/psycho?)
He's okay because he's going to forgive my sins….lol (arrogance?)

He’s never had many close friends, but loves everyone (?)
Well 12 guys in particular follow him everywhere he goes….a bit suspicious one of them
Likes wood working and helping people “with ailments” (encourage path to medical school?)
He’s sad his mom wasn’t impressed with the chair he built her
The chair was not properly sanded, so there were many splinters
His mom got a splinter in her butt
Says she has to ice her butt everyday now
He finds this a little funny and isn’t sure if that’s wrong

Jake Schick