Waiter steps out and puts his tray down.
Thank you for stepping into our restaurant. Before we serve you, we have a few requests:
Please let us know if you have any peanut allergies, any seafood allergies, or any plant allergies. Let us know if you are allergic to iceberg lettuce, romaine lettuce, arugula lettuce, or any other kind of lettuce. Also let us know if you are allergic to any medicines.
Let us know if you will be dining indoors or outdoors. If you plan to smoke, we have one table where you can smoke outdoors, but I will have to check and see if it is available because some people reserve that table ahead of time. Oh, and if you smoke cigars, Chef Yousef will give you one of his Cubans, and he will smoke with you.
If you and your party need a high chair for a toddler… please find a different restaurant. We do not have toddler food, and our music is not appropriate for toddlers. We will not compromise or adjust to toddler needs.
If you plan to ask your waiter about our specials, know that we do not have specials. We do not have a secret menu. This is not a magical fantasy land with underground rules and riddles. This is a 5-star restaurant. Read the menu and order food.
Do not ask the waiters what they would recommend. They are not allowed to eat the food here, so your question will likely lead them to uncomfortably tell you a lie about how the dumplings are “out of this world.” If you want the dumplings, order them and find out for yourself.
Look, the dumplings are good. You know they are. That is why you came here in the first place. We have been the number one dumpling restaurant in the world for years, and you wanted dumplings so you came here. Do not ask for recommendations. Get the dumplings.
Please, please, please, do not urinate on the floors of our washrooms. As I said before, this is a 5-star restaurant. No toddlers are allowed. So there are no excuses for pee going anywhere else besides the toilets. We recently changed the signs from “restroom” to washroom” as a reminder of the formality of our establishment.
Do not make a joke with your friends about the bill when it comes. We can hear you. And we’re sick of it.
One mint is the maximum. When you discreetly steal, yes steal, an entire handful of mints from the front desk, it is entirely noticeable. There has never been a reason to take more than one.
Get the dumplings.
Do not bring in a laptop to do your “work.” This is not a whorehouse. Nor is it a café. This is a place to eat and enjoy the company of others and/or yourself.
Don’t wear shorts.
Do not raise your hand. This is not high school. Nobody wants to call on you here. We give you food, and you give us money. That is the deal. If you realize mid-meal that you want a side of salsa, it is too late. Remember that for next time. And please do come back again. We appreciate your coming here.
My skin is starting to peel
I do not tan
I do not get sunburnt
I am a banana
“I look just like Buddy Holly”
Say this at the end of a job interview when they say, “Anything else?”
“I’m me. Me be. God damn. I am”
Pull this one out in any philosophy class.
“I guess you’re as real as me. Maybe I can’t live with that. Maybe I need fantasy.”
Say this when your partner wants to move in with you, and you want to break up.
“If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away.”
When someone questions your outfit.
“I took you to Best Buy.”
An aside to your kids when you start trying to get them to remember the good times you had as a family as CPS pulls up.
“I will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams”
Say this to the world if you’re a middle school dropout.
“I’m falling in love. What was your name?”
When you’re a terrible barista at Starbucks, and a customer is trying to pay, but you’re still daydreaming.
“You take your car to work, I'll take my board. And when you're out of fuel, I'm still afloat."
If you’re a surfer trying to impress a businessman.
“This bottle of Stevens awakens ancient feelings”
I hope you never have to say that one.
“Excuse the bitching, I shouldn't complain”
When you’re about to start complaining.
“On an island in the sun”
When somebody angrily asks you, “Where’s my money?”
“I'm a troublemaker, never been a faker, doing things my own way”
When you get arrested
“I got my hash pipe”
When you’re running out the door and your mom asks, “have everything you need?”
Life is full of twists. Stay flexible. Take a yoga class.
There’s no receipt for your time. But if you get one, ask for the itemized receipt.
You always have more to gain when taking risks. But if a friend dares you to jump off a bridge, you probably have more to lose.
Stop eating cookies, fat ass.
Today, you will find love in an unexpected place. Tomorrow, you will get caught cheating.
Life is about balance. Try surfing.
Generosity is contagious. So is strep throat and AIDS.
Yesterday is two days before tomorrow.
Don’t say anything to that girl. She doesn’t like you like that.
Love can last a lifetime. Energy lasts forever. If you’re in a relationship, take Adderall. If you’re single, rest up.
Please, recycle me.
For Christmas this year, there are a few things I would like:
dear santa, i changed my mind about pete. so i could just use some advice this year
Re: Google Software Engineer Internship
1104 Main Street, Porbandar, India 360545 | 562-821-1921 | email@example.com
University College London, London, UK 1888
Bachelor of Arts, Economics
Double minor: Creative Writing and Fasting
Cumulative GPA: 2.931
Inner Temple, London, UK 1889
Bagels and Brownies Employee 1888
Rashtrapati Bhavan Museum 1889
Juggling, singing, able to fast for long periods of time,
Good stamina, talented chess player, familiar with Microsoft Office
©2022 Jake Schick