Jehovah’s witness was a disaster of a person. She was actually one of the worst witnesses the court has ever seen. Her name was Sarah. And wow, she was a dumbass.
She walked into the courtroom with a smug look on her face as if she were thinking, “Man, this place smells worse than limburger cheese.” She sat down in the witness box. A man in the jury box sneezed.
“Bless you,” Sarah said.
“Screw you, Sarah,” said the man. This was personal. They clearly shared some kind of past.
The lawyer got up from the counsel table and stood near Sarah.
“Where were you on the night of September 25th?”
“I was at the dentist.”
“We all know that dentist offices are not open during evening hours.”
“I wasn’t in his office. I was at his place, and he was just about to put his-“
“Hey! Okay. Okay. Um. Thank you.”
So the lawyer was not very good. He was really like a part time lawyer. Trials were more of a hobby. But everyone still blames Sarah for the case, mainly because she just looked annoying. She looked like the kind of person who would hang her own paintings on her wall. She looked like the kind of person who would never double knot her shoes and then act surprised when she tripped. She also looked a little like Barbra Streisand.
Things began to get weird during cross examination, when a young man named Krystof was questioned. He was asked how he knew Jehovah. He explained that the two of them were childhood friends, and they had lost touch after the sixth grade. When asked if there was a reason for them losing touch, he replied, “no.” But he sat there for a moment and then said, “well, yes.” He went on to explain that in the sixth grade, during sixth period, his sixth sense was acting up, and he developed a feeling that his friend Jehovah would become a murderer. The people in the jury looked irritated. The judge looked like he wanted to kill himself. But that’s another story.
Krystof explained that he first became suspicious of Jehovah in the lunch line. He told the jury that Jehovah would always sniff the person in front of him and smile. “Just like a murderer,” he said. The jury was confused. But then Krystof told a peculiar story. He told the jury about the time he went with Jehovah to the dentist. They got their teeth cleaned and flossed, and painfully scraped with stabbing, metal instruments. But then the dentist asked Krystof a question. He asked him how often he flossed. “Not a ton,” was his response. A vague, but probably honest answer. But when the dentist asked Jehovah the same question, Jehovah didn’t flinch. Jehovah looked the dentist directly in the eyes. “Every damn day. Twice a day.” Jehovah said this, grabbed the weird tube thing that sucks up water, and took one last suck. He threw down the sucker and walked out of the building.
Twice a day. Every damn day. What a statement. What an absurd, horrible statement. “It’s something only a murderer could say,” Krystof told the judge.
Sarah, Jehovah’s witness, was asked to come back to the witness box to be questioned one more time. She was asked simple questions at first. But when it turned to dentistry, things went off the rails. When asked how often she flossed, she told the court that she flossed every day. When reminded she was under oath she replied, “I know. I floss twice a day.” The audacity. The temerity. What a scoundrel. I bet even dentists only floss twice a week.
The man who sneezed earlier stood up. “She’s telling the truth!” he yelled.
Who is this guy?
It doesn’t matter. The judge had heard enough. And because everyone was completely dumbfounded how this witness had just admitted to flossing twice a day, they had completely forgotten that Jehovah had done the same. The judge slammed his mallet on the hardwood desk and announced that the ruling was not guilty. Jehovah was let off the hook, and Sarah was in the newspaper the next day. But Jehovah is definitely a murderer. And honestly, Sarah might be too.
Jehovah apparently left the court room as a free man and went to celebrate Easter with his family. I personally don’t care. I’m just here to describe the events that unfolded. And I don’t celebrate Easter. Because I am a Jehovah’s Witness.
A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without genuine human connection. But my girlfriend thought otherwise. She was not fond of human connection, and unfortunately I was unaware. She seemed outgoing and genuinely interested in me, but apparently I was mistaken.
It was our third date, and I had already bought an engagement ring. I wasn’t going to propose yet - I’m not crazy. But I felt I probably would soon. I wanted to make things special on this date, so I invited her to my place: the most romantic one room apartment on the planet. I have the perfect layout with a mini sofa in the front area where we can snuggle after supper. It’s one of those used sofas you would see on the street, and that’s just where I found mine. It’s green with a couple of coffee stains, and it has a yellow pillow with a frowny face. I even have two lamps that will provide the ideal lighting for a truly magnificent night. And if things get crazy, we can hit up some classics on my HBO Premium account.
Hours before our special date night, I prepared for my loverly date. She was a beautiful woman with glistening brown hair that flowed down her neck like an angel. Her name was Betty Anderson. When I first saw her name on her eHarmony account I thought of Betty White, and I hoped she wasn’t going to be that old. When I first met her I discovered she was not old, but a young, beautiful woman. With blue glistening eyes, and sparkling white teeth, she looked like Superwoman, except without all those powers. Throughout her life, she was always recognized as being special, but she was extra special for me. She was top of her class in high school and college, which is the opposite of my education experience. I dropped out of high school my junior year to pursue bird watching, and unfortunately that still has not taken off.
I was in love and sought perfection in this third date. I accidentally purchased 5000 candles online yesterday when I meant to buy the song “5000 Candles in the Wind.” But at least now I’ll have a few extra candles for our next romantic night in. I got dressed twenty four hours early although I could not figure out what attire would be proper in this situation. I wondered if a tuxedo was too fancy. I thought I’d go with it; I’ll impress her with my mint condition rented tux from Al’s Formal Wear. Maybe I could even put one of those colored tissues in my pocket so she’d think I have a pretty, purple pocket square. The evening was going to be fantastic, and I just couldn’t wait.
I decided to go buy some fireworks to set up in my front yard. What a dramatic entrance that would be to my one room apartment. The people who live in my complex would probably be angry, but nobody takes advantage of our little grass patch we have as our yard. I bought some fireworks from my sketchy neighbor for only fifty bucks. He told me it was quite the bargain. And then I went to Party City to buy tons of confetti that I’d set up to go off when we kissed. What a magical moment. I had the perfect foolproof plan, which she was going to love.
But when I went to Party City, they were out of all their confetti poppers. I thought instead I might as well buy a thousand balloons. There were red, blue, yellow, green, pink, and purple balloons that flooded my house like a tidal wave, surrounding everything in my wonderful home. I went back to my house to set up the place. As I was getting ready, I heard the doorbell ring, and I couldn’t really see the door through the swarm of rainbow-colored balloons, but I pushed my way through. I opened the door and was waiting to see the glamorous look on her face when she would gaze excitedly into my eyes. But I could not find her smiling face. She just stared at me and said, “Oh no, not this again.” And that was it. All these candles and balloons wasted.
I looked out the door in utter disbelief as she stormed off to her car. I knew I should have found some of those confetti poppers.
©2023 Jake Schick