1. Ask people if they have a guitar pick.
Ask politely, but use a tone that implies, “This isn’t the first time I’ve asked for one of these.”
2. Make a comment whenever any song is playing in the background. Say something like, “This song changed music forever.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re at a bar, a grocery store, or a funeral. You hear a song, you comment.
3. If you’re in a car with someone listening to the radio, tap your fingers enough to be noticed.
Even if you’re not pretending to be a drummer, every musician needs to have good rhythm.
4. Constantly mention how disappointed you are with today’s music.
Doesn’t matter the context. You just wish you were at Woodstock. Let it be known.
5. Complain about Spotify not paying enough.
Even though you don’t know how much Spotify pays artists, just get angry that it’s simply not enough.
6. Complain about SoundCloud’s upload limits.
How is the world going to hear all three hundred songs your band has recorded? (Note: If someone asks to hear a song of yours, be prepared.)
7. Complain about your “bandmates.”
Every band has an occasional feud. Let it be known that your new song hasn’t been getting the respect it deserves, and you might even go solo.
8. Do drugs to “inspire” you.
Cocaine, maybe. Probably not heroin, you don’t want to die. You know what, don’t do drugs. There’s plenty of good bands who didn’t use drugs, I think.
9. Whistle a lot.
Tell people that when you’re in a band, you’re practicing 24/7.
10. Maybe just learn an instrument and take it from there.
You can “fake it till you make it,” but you might as well just try actually joining a band.
©2023 Jake Schick