things i never told my dog
-You're not my best friend, that would be Andrew
-I gave you cat food all of 2009
-You smell better than me, and I am jealous of that
-Our mailman is my uncle, and he's chill
-When I throw the ball, sometimes I wish I was the one fetching
-The reason I adopted you was because you have soft ears
-I have an Instagram for you that I control, and I make you sound like you have a 1st grade education
-You live in a cage
-I saw you eat that sawdust
-I know your licks aren't kisses
-Did you see me do that thing 2 weeks ago or were you asleep?
-I do not have enough money to take care of you
-There's a 50/50 chance I get a new dog when you die
-I laughed at Old Yeller - I don't know why
-I don't love my sister
-I say I rescued you, but I really stole you from outside a KMart
life is hard
life is hard.
how getting out of bed is harder than you think
The first thing most people do when they wake up is get out of bed. Everybody seems to assume this one is easy, but I’m not sure why anyone would make such a bold assumption. When you wake up you may have thoughts such as “why am I still alive?” or “maybe I was not meant to be alive” or “I’m not even sure I am alive.” After contemplating these thoughts, you may stare at the ceiling for a while. Other thoughts may arise relating to your curiosities, your lovers, your work, your friends, your family, or you may have no thoughts at all. You may become a completely thoughtless blob whose eyes glaze listlessly at the ceiling.
In order to make this easier on yourself, some people recommend dedicating your life to consistent daily meditations. Others say consistent therapy sessions each week. Some say journaling. Some say exercising. Some say improved foods and hydrating. Some say having fun. Some say spending more time alone looking inwards. Some say staying in touch with friends and relatives. Most say all of these and more. This may seem like a lot to do just for making the process of getting out of bed easier, so you decide to do none of them and keep lying down, face in the pillow.
how brushing your teeth is harder than you think
Contrary to the belief some people still hold, brushing your teeth is an activity that must happen every day, ideally twice a day. In order to make this happen, you must buy a toothbrush and replace it every couple of months. These months go by quicker than you would think, and it can be difficult to remember every single time to replace your brush. It can also be difficult to remember to buy more toothpaste. That would require you writing down a reminder, and then acting upon the reminder by taking your body to a physical store and looking and possibly even asking someone, “hey do you know where the toothpastes are here?” Or you order toothpaste online, but that’s a hassle because you realize how many different kinds of toothpastes there are. You can’t make a choice like that because you didn’t go to toothpaste school. You also become extremely fatigued from looking at a screen. You question why you are using your miracle of a device to do nothing more than scroll through pictures of toothpastes, and you decide to throw your phone out the window, instantly realizing you just cost yourself a lot of money.
In order to make this easier on yourself, some people suggest buying a lifetime supply of toothpaste and toothbrushes, but this requires an amount of storage space that most people do not have.
how shaving is harder than you think
After weeks and weeks of people you love and strangers you don’t know telling you, “you need to shave,” you decide to take off your whiskers. You notice your shaving cream can is rusty and disgusting, so you make a mental note to buy a new one, which you will definitely forget. You are about to put shaving cream on your face when you see your neck has cuts all over it from the last time you attempted this event. You pour Hydrogen Peroxide on your wounds, but they have been there a while, so you don’t feel the burn. You notice that you have some nose hairs poking out but before you try to pluck them you remember your fifth-grade teacher Martin Jenkins said that if you pull a nose hair, it could tug on your brain and cause a serious problem. You know that can’t be true, but you still wonder, “is it?”
In order to make this easier on yourself, some people suggest using an electric razor but those have their own drawbacks.
how having a conversation is harder than you think
Somebody just asked you a question, and now you have to answer as if you had an answer. As if anyone had an answer to such a ridiculous question. But you have to say something and you have to say it now or else they will hate you forever and you will have no friends and you will live in an eternal loneliness abyss.
Are they still there? You haven’t said anything? You haven’t said anything. If you speak now, you will look like you have a serious disorder and should be put behind bars. Not only will you be lonely, but you will also be served a piece of bread twice a day, which means you will die either of starvation or of your deadly gluten allergy. It’s up to you.
“I’m doing alright,” you finally say. It’s not even the truth. You panicked just so you could spit out a lie. Now they look at you as if you must ask them something. You don’t have any questions. Say something instead. Say a demand – no, say something nice. Give them a compliment. You don’t want to tell them you like their hat because you think people care too much about fashion and if you tell them you like their hat, then they may start to feel insecure when they don’t wear their hat, and you just want everybody to be happy.
“I’m going to the restroom,” you say, but you quickly realize it was odd to use that terminology when you’re in your own apartment.
In order to make this easier on yourself, some people suggest not speaking at all, but that tends to anger some people, which gets in the way of your desire of wanting everyone happy.
how putting on shoes is harder than you think
This one may seem easy, but like everything, it’s not. Where the hell are they? You thought you took them off last night right by the door as usual, but they are not there. That is the only place they belong. They’re not there. They must have been stolen. You call your boss and tell them you are running late, and then you also ask if she has seen any shoes that look like yours. When she is confused why you are asking, you tell her you will see her soon, and then you hang up and stare at the front door again. You find yourself spitting on the ground out of anger? Sadness? Remorse? Just for the thrill? Before you can decide, you find it disgusting and appalling that saliva is on your floor, so you rush to the kitchen to grab some paper towels to clean up your mess. There are no paper towels so you look in the cabinet where the extra paper towels are always stored, and there are no paper towels there either. You wonder why God hates you and why God hates paper towels existing in your kitchen. You think about prayer for the first time in years, and you gently bring your hands together and try different prayer positions. None of them feel right. You get on your hands and knees and bow down, with your forehead touching the cold tile. After a few moments, your forehead hurts, so you sit up remembering you don’t believe in God.
In order to make this easier on yourself, try not wearing shoes for a while. You live in a city, so this will be painful.
how getting anything done at all is hard
Everyday you may wake up and even get out of bed thinking that you will have several hours to do exactly what you want. Maybe you’ll have time to paint that painting you always wanted to do or go for a nice picnic at your favorite park. But then you realize you have to go to the bathroom, and your stomach has been acting up lately so that takes much more time than you had planned. Then you have to wash your hands, but you forgot to replace the hand towel so your hands are sopping wet and your dry them off on the shirt you are wearing, reminding you that you have zero clean clothes and need to go put your clothes and hand towel in the wash. You don’t have a washing machine so you go to the laundromat which is always two miles farther than you remember so the walk feels extra-long. By the time you get there, there are no available machines, so you have to stand and wait. You put your laundry bag down to take out your phone in hopes you can refresh your email for half an hour until a machine opens, but you realize you left your phone at home. You open up your backpack to read that book you’ve been wanting to read, but then you remember you don’t own any books. You stand there and wait.
You think you can be productive before the wash is done, but when you get back home you realize it’s already time to go back and put your clothes in the dryer. This time you made sure to bring your phone, but you do not pay attention to the fact that it has one percent battery. As you wait for your clothes to dry, you refresh your email ten times before your phone dies.
Once you are back home again, you decide to listen to some relaxing music as you put your clothes away, but the instant you put on your soothing classical playlist, your boss from work calls. You ignore it because it is Saturday and this is your day. When you receive a text message saying URGENT you decide to call back. This conversation lasts two hours and was definitely not urgent.
You hang up the phone. You’re exhausted. It’s 4pm. You don’t know how it’s 4pm, but you tell yourself that time isn’t real. You remember you haven’t eaten or drunken anything all day, so you make some oatmeal and pour yourself a glass of water because you are trying to be healthy. When you realize you are out of blueberries, honey, and oats, you settle for a waffle that has been in your freezer for months. You forget about the water.
You think about taking a shower to reenergize yourself, and then you remember you have to mail a check to your insurance company because they don’t use email anymore. The post office you normally go to is closed, and this infuriates you because all you need is a single stamp. You go to the second closest post office, and there is a long line. An hour into waiting, you give up and walk out the door, instantly remembering that you have to do this today, so you go back and stand in the back of the line. Someone shoves you, which you think nothing of, but when they shove you again you say, “Excuse me,” thinking you are very polite and well put together. They tell you the great story how you cut them and because you are unable to speak anymore out of exhaustion, you stand behind them. Of course when this person gets to the front, they take half an hour explaining what they want mailed. They’re trying to mail a giraffe or something like that, you can’t wuite make it out, but you know that this is going to take a while. It’s finally your turn, and they’re out of stamps.
You go to your favorite park where there’s tall trees all around, so you can scream. But this time when you scream, there were two children playing tag that you didn’t notice because you were too busy sulking inside yourself. They cry and tell their parents who end up giving you a detailed lecture on why you should not scream in a park.
You finally arrive at home, ready to pass out for the evening. You pat yourself on the back because despite the arduous adventures, at least you completed your laundry. You shoot up and rush out the door realizing that you never took your clothes out of the dryer. By the time you arrive at the laundromat, there are several signs letting you it has closed. Too many signs you think, but you get the message. You sit down in the middle of the street, and you can’t even cry. “I can’t do anything,” you say aloud. You look down at the ground and see an ant carrying a crumb. You wonder if you were an ant, would you be as useless as you are now or would you be a part of the working community like every other ant?
In order to make this easier on yourself, we suggest giving us a call. Our services include: shooting people up into space without equipment, strapping people into a rollercoaster that never ends, and listening to you rant about your day. We hope you reach out. We need the money.
©2023 Jake Schick