things i never told my dog

-You're not my best friend, that would be Andrew

-I gave you cat food all of 2009

-You smell better than me, and I am jealous of that

-Our mailman is my uncle, and he's chill

-When I throw the ball, sometimes I wish I was the one fetching

-The reason I adopted you was because you have soft ears

-I have an Instagram for you that I control, and I make you sound like you have a 1st grade education

-You live in a cage

-I saw you eat that sawdust

-I know your licks aren't kisses

-Did you see me do that thing 2 weeks ago or were you asleep?

-I do not have enough money to take care of you

-There's a 50/50 chance I get a new dog when you die

-I laughed at Old Yeller - I don't know why

-I don't love my sister

-I say I rescued you, but I really stole you from outside a KMart