Dr. Seuss - "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
Me - "Get mad because you weren't even invited."
Oscar Wilde - "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
Me - What about cloning?"
Mark Twain - "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
Me - "Lying is pretty convenient."
Andy Warhol - "In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes."
Me - "Actually 7 seconds."
William Shakespeare - "We know what we are, but know not what we may be."
Me - "I don't even know your real name Mr. Shakes."
Buddah - "I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done."
Me - "Try to enjoy the moment why don't ya?"
Dalai Lama - "My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."
Me - "Actually, it's Buddhism.
Charles Barkley - "The main thing to do is relax and let your talent do the work."
Me - "I think you're a little too relaxed these days. Go for a run."
Don’t do it. Don’t you dare do it. Do not waste you love, on some asshole who doesn’t value it. Doesn’t care for it. Doesn’t yearn for it. Because your love…it’s special. Its not just a part of who you are, it is you. Your love is you, and you are your love.
But what is love?…I’ll explain with a brief story.
You see, my late husband, he’s not dead, he’s just always frickin' late! I won’t dare say his name, but that’s because I love him. I get worked up by his flaws sometimes, but hey-that’s love. Anywhom, my husband and I went for a walk one night. You could say it was brisk out. A little chilly, sure. But nothing serious. I was wearing a windbreaker, and that was fine. But my husband. My beautiful little…husband. He was wearing a t-shirt cuz he’s from California, and he’s cool and relaxed and doesn’t need a jacket when he can just wear a stupid pink shirt and a pair of crocs!
So it started to get windy. And he got cold. Fine. That’s fair. We don’t always prepare well. But let’s dig into this preparation, okay? In order to prepare, you gotta listen. You gotta pay attention. To details. So when I offered to go for a walk, and he said yes, I told him, its probably going to be a little brisk outside. So he said okay. And I said you might want, I don’t know just freeballing here, um a windbreaker? And he told me he’s from California…I know he’s from California. We’ve been married 9 years I know where the man is from. And I also know where the man resides. With me. In Canada! And you know what? It gets cold from time to time and that’s just the way it is. And it don’t matter if your from California or frickin Arkansas, because sometimes it just gets cold.
So were walking and he’s cold and he asks me for my windbreaker. And I say no. I prepared. And he demands I give him my windbreaker, and I say no. I prepared. And then he grabs my windbreaker and tries to take it off of me, and I say hey. This relationship is not abusive. No. No. No. This relationship. It’s love.
Now, if you still don’t know what love is, you may want to look inside yourself. What’s inside? Huh? Is it cozy or is it a mess? Is it bright or is it dimly lit? I don’t know. I’m not you. So look inside. And maybe you’ll find love. But if you look inside, and you search and search and all you find is a windbreaker. You better throw your damn crocs away and zip up that jacket.
Life is full of twists. Stay flexible. Take a yoga class.
There’s no receipt for your time. But if you get one, ask for the itemized receipt.
You always have more to gain when taking risks. But if a friend dares you to jump off a bridge, you probably have more to lose.
Stop eating cookies, fat ass.
Today, you will find love in an unexpected place. Tomorrow, you will get caught cheating.
Life is about balance. Try surfing.
Generosity is contagious. So is strep throat and AIDS.
Yesterday is two days before tomorrow.
Don’t say anything to that girl. She doesn’t like you like that.
Love can last a lifetime. Energy lasts forever. If you’re in a relationship, take Adderall. If you’re single, rest up.
Please, recycle me.
Thank you so much for letting us stay in your MANSION. God, it is gorgeous. The back yard, the front yard, that little side garden yard, where do I begin?? But the interior decoration in your home is truly phenomenal. We threw a party the first night we got here, as well as a few others, and all our friends loved it. Strangers loved it too. The chandelier is no longer there, but boy, we put that thing to good use. We also took down a few paintings to use as place mats because you did not seem to have any. For future guests, that would be my main recommendation – invest in some place mats. The paintings were okay, but we still stained some of the tables.
So we enjoyed our stay, but I have to say, the home was not left in a very good state. All the tables were broken and had food remains all over them. There was a shattered chandelier in the downstairs bathroom. The place could use a good cleaning. That said, it was very spacious. We appreciated having access to everything. Even though some rooms we deemed uninhabitable, there were plenty of rooms left over for my wife, kids, and I to sleep. Thank you for making our vacation possible.
Bros, this house was wildin. Me and my buddies were nervous this was gonna be a super fancy home with some stuck up snobs as owners, but the second we saw the shattered chandelier, we knew this was our kinda place. For a frat bro spring break, this was the best option for sure. Who needs an Airbnb when you got the chillest family friends! The painted place mats worked great as a beer pong table, and those old dinner tables were so much fun to just wreck. To celebrate our win, my pong team and I got a sledgehammer and started smashing the tables. It was wild. Also, some of the bros left their swim trunks and a few pairs of undies. Those are all hanging on the roof. Oh, and I think we left the big couch is up there too. Thanks so much yo.
Y'all are legendary. I was walking in the street when I saw a party going on over here, so I decided to come by. Wow. I did not know your family was into such outrageous and frankly inappropriate things, but I was down to partake. I hadn't seen a bong in twenty five years, so I enjoyed taking a hit from that. But seriously, we should hang soon. Maybe grab lunch. I feel like I haven't seen you since Christmas.
-Your neighbor, Alex
I really want to say thank you. I do. Welcoming a family into one’s home is a very kind and wholesome thing to do. But. I must say. This place smells horrific. There are pieces of moldy food all over the place. Empty beer cans have flooded the downstairs bedrooms. I really hope this splotch on the dining room table is soup, but I am almost certain it is barf. If so, that is simply disgusting. Normally, I would clean it up, but due to the present circumstances, I feel it is more than unnecessary for me to clean the mess that is your home. Had I known the interior of your home would be a complete disaster, I would not have paid such an enormous amount of money for me and my husband’s honeymoon. That said, I am an optimist. I had a good time. My husband and I did enjoy some nice evenings on the porch, even though the rocking chairs were broken. We had a great time lying in the sun on the roof despite the display of swimsuits and underwear. I will say, the couch on the roof was a nice touch.
-Carla and Wilson Funderburke
Wow. You’ve changed the place since we last visited three years ago. We visited in the winter so maybe the summer décor is just different? I like what you did with it, but I suppose I’m just not big into the new modern design people are into these days. I have to say, Arnold, you really keep your brother on his toes. I know we haven’t talked in awhile, but I always appreciate you letting me stay in your second home. And I’m glad you treat it a little worse than you’ve treated me over the years. I felt I should add to the mess, so I made sure to leave all the food sitting out. I also shattered the framed picture of you and your wife - you know you stole her from me. Thanks again.
-Your brother, Jasper
©2022 Jake Schick