Waiter steps out and puts his tray down.
Thank you for stepping into our restaurant. Before we serve you, we have a few requests:
Please let us know if you have any peanut allergies, any seafood allergies, or any plant allergies. Let us know if you are allergic to iceberg lettuce, romaine lettuce, arugula lettuce, or any other kind of lettuce. Also let us know if you are allergic to any medicines.
Let us know if you will be dining indoors or outdoors. If you plan to smoke, we have one table where you can smoke outdoors, but I will have to check and see if it is available because some people reserve that table ahead of time. Oh, and if you smoke cigars, Chef Yousef will give you one of his Cubans, and he will smoke with you.
If you and your party need a high chair for a toddler… please find a different restaurant. We do not have toddler food, and our music is not appropriate for toddlers. We will not compromise or adjust to toddler needs.
If you plan to ask your waiter about our specials, know that we do not have specials. We do not have a secret menu. This is not a magical fantasy land with underground rules and riddles. This is a 5-star restaurant. Read the menu and order food.
Do not ask the waiters what they would recommend. They are not allowed to eat the food here, so your question will likely lead them to uncomfortably tell you a lie about how the dumplings are “out of this world.” If you want the dumplings, order them and find out for yourself.
Look, the dumplings are good. You know they are. That is why you came here in the first place. We have been the number one dumpling restaurant in the world for years, and you wanted dumplings so you came here. Do not ask for recommendations. Get the dumplings.
Please, please, please, do not urinate on the floors of our washrooms. As I said before, this is a 5-star restaurant. No toddlers are allowed. So there are no excuses for pee going anywhere else besides the toilets. We recently changed the signs from “restroom” to washroom” as a reminder of the formality of our establishment.
Do not make a joke with your friends about the bill when it comes. We can hear you. And we’re sick of it.
One mint is the maximum. When you discreetly steal, yes steal, an entire handful of mints from the front desk, it is entirely noticeable. There has never been a reason to take more than one.
Get the dumplings.
Do not bring in a laptop to do your “work.” This is not a whorehouse. Nor is it a café. This is a place to eat and enjoy the company of others and/or yourself.
Don’t wear shorts.
Do not raise your hand. This is not high school. Nobody wants to call on you here. We give you food, and you give us money. That is the deal. If you realize mid-meal that you want a side of salsa, it is too late. Remember that for next time. And please do come back again. We appreciate your coming here.
©2022 Jake Schick